Remember this line from "You've Got Mail"? I do. Partly because I watch this movie about once a week (it's my laundry movie) and partly because it kept coming into my mind tonight. I didn't 'zing' anybody, like Tom Hanks' character did but I definitely became a version of myself I wasn't happy with. Read on.
I'm a "people pleaser". I want to make everyone around me a) happy and b) happy with me. Despite my knowing that this is impossible, I valiantly continue to pursue my lofty goal sure that I will succeed someday. The people I'm trying to please change but the impossibility of the thing never does. As the people change, so do the consequences/effects of my people pleasing efforts. I can never seem to remember that you can make some of the people happy all the time, all of the people happy some of the time but you can't make all of the people happy all of the time. Inevitably, someone is going to be unhappy with me, whether it's the people I'm trying to please or me. Tonight I'm sure it was a little of both.
As a mom and a leader, I have to have lines that are clearly drawn, limits that are plainly voiced and boundaries I will not cross no matter the reason. I have to be strong enough to hold my ground, no matter how much I'm tempted to cross my own lines to please someone. There are times when this is easy and there are times when this is really hard. And when I choose to cross those lines, even just one step, damage is done. People who look up to me, whose trust I have worked hard to earn, now have reason to doubt my integrity or disbelieve my sincerity. New people who I was trying to please now see first hand and first thing, weakness where they assumed strength resided. My children have heard me allowing others to speak in unkind ways and though they may not have understood why I let it happen, they know it happened. Are they now wondering if I allow others to speak that way about them, or if I do?
Tonight, I became a worst version of myself (because I'm sure there's more than one...). I could end my post here but that is just as impossible as pleasing all the people all the time.
I can't leave it at that, with me being a terrible person (because that would rob my loyal readers of the happy ending that should come at the end of every story - I've got to make you happy!) :)I can't go through the rest of my life with the version of myself I became tonight. It was only for a little while but the effects would last a lot longer than that if I didn't have some way to get rid of this version. So I turned to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I am so grateful to know that He suffered in Gethsemane for just such a night as this in my life. He felt the weight of the realization of what my actions cost, He felt the sick, sinking feeling that only ever comes when the Spirit of the Lord leaves you and He paid the price for it all; All so that I could kneel before the Father in Jesus' name and plead for forgiveness of my weakness and the grace to remove this 'worst version of myself'. I know it's not the last version of myself that I'll want to be rid of but knowing I can repent makes tomorrow a little easier to face somehow; the apologies are becoming a little easier to make and picking myself up and dusting off is becoming a joyful task. ('Cause when you're as imperfect as me, you fall down alot!)
