Is that really ME??

You know how, every once in a while, you see a picture of yourself at a family reunion or school function and you don't recognize you? You stare and stare and finally swear up and down that the idiot in the picture couldn't possibly be you because you would never do something like THAT. Then some person, who usually remains nameless forever after, points out how it's not only possible that it's you but also how they know without doubt that it's you. Then you want to hide for awhile until people start looking at another idiot in another picture.

And how about when you get some idea in your head about what you sound like when you sing or talk and then hear yourself on a recording and say "That's not me. I don't sound like that..." Meanwhile, the whole world looks at you (like you're an idiot) and says, "Yes you do."

I had an experience this morning just like that but a little worse, if you can imagine. I woke up and grabbed my Droid phone (because it's my alarm and I wanted it to stop whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme song in my ear). I checked the weather, because my kids can't look out the window or open the door, and then checked my email, so I'd know who's getting good grades and who needs some help. As usual, there were several Facebook emails but only on that gave me that icky, "that's not what I sound like" feeling. Let me explain.

My sense of humor has been called sarcastic, among other things and I'm the type of person that people either love or hate but that nobody ever forgets. I've been told I'm "real" and frequently tell people more than they probably want to hear when they ask me how I'm doing. All of my cards are on the table. For some reason, I think I assume that because that's how I am, that's how everybody is. I'll poke fun at others, in good humor and follow up by poking fun at myself. Back to my email.

My Facebook friend and I seem to have the same type of sense of humor. We laugh at the same types of stuff and have made similarly obnoxious comments to one another. I recently made a comment on something he posted and he sent a comment back that stung. But it didn't sting because of the words that he said or because he was upset and lashing out or anything else dumb like that. (I'm a big proponent of "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen" and I've said worse things to him and he's "taken the heat") No, it stung because I realized that maybe I went a little too far; not for him, but for me. I looked at myself, figuratively speaking, and thought "Is that really ME? That's not what I sound like...". The little voice in my head actually looked at my like I was an idiot.

So I started thinking a little more carefully about my friend. We are at different "seasons" in our lives. Things that I'm working on, he hasn't gotten to yet and things that he struggles with, I've already figured out (to a certain extent). I'm married, he's not. I've got kids, he doesn't. I'm sure his life is in a period of transition that's taking so long that it feels like stagnation to him and I can look at it and feel empathy because I've been where he is. The more I thought, the more I realized that the person I SOUNDED like when I made that comment, isn't the person I want to be.

It's just like the photos or the video recordings; we can wish and hope that the idiot who did that in the picture or said that on the recording isn't us but, in the end, no amount of wishing will change what we DID. We only have power to change what we DO from here on out.

Will my friend and I change our senses of humor? Not likely. Will we still roast each other a little bit? Probably. Will I be a little more thoughtful of where he is and what might actually get a little too close to the "OOoooo...BURN/OUCH...That hurt" line? Definitely.

My friend, I'm sorry.